Smiles!!!

Why are you smiling? A question that I asked myself a few times today. See most people know me to always have a smile painted across myself with giggle ready to flow out of me. I mean honestly I am a pretty animated person. I love a good laugh and love to live life with a smile; but the past couple of weeks I have not been following or living that. I honestly have been a tad bit miserable. Some would say that I have been an out right Grinch. I will not argue that sentiment. I have been trying to deal with a lot of different emotional stuff like most times I have placed it in box on the inside and suppressed what I feel and I move forward.

But as I suppress my feelings, they spill over because they need to escape. I am being pressed by those closes to me to release some of what is inside before I hurt myself or those around me. But yesterday as it seemed like I was being faced with an emotional issue that would causes me more pain than a little because of it ties into so many issues I was presented with a chance to smile.

My emotional issue is that fact that a level inside of me feels like I am not good enough. I remember when I was little my aunt would tell me all the time Tae you are beautiful. Honestly she might have truly meant it but I felt like she only said it because she was my aunt and it was her job to tell me because I was her niece. I feel like that when it comes to my relationships. My family tells me that a good man will come because it is their job. I mean after what I have been through singleness looks great. I feel that everyone that I am truly interested in rejects me on some level. It is crushing. I think what makes it worse is that it seems I give up one male to make another higher or more important in my life. I honestly have done it more than once. It is some what sad. Sometimes I honestly make the choice because I know one is better than another, while other times I make the choice because I feel more and "happy" with the other. As I chose to move forward with the choice to develop a relationship and I watch males that I have been seriously interested in or involved with move on, it hurts on some level. Hurting because I wonder why I was not good enough or what made the situation not good enough. But the situation is over so why stress is what part of me screams. But either way it something that plagues me.

But nontheless yesterday I smiled and it seemed like all of those issues from my past did not matter yesterday at certain point in the day. When I saw his faces I felt butterflies. It is funny because I pick at our situation. But the lips seemed to seal the deal. I mean I really don't know why, but I know it something that I have been wanting to do for while. I mean I don't know what this means but hey, you got me to smile. So that is what matters!!!