What Have I Mastered....

For the past two or three days I have sat in my house closed off from the rest of the world. Devoid of human physical contact. A choice I made through rationalizing certain things and saying I had "tasks" that needed to be completed. I would like to say certain things have been completed like this blog entry... :-)

Over this period of time I have communicated with friends through facebook, twitter, gchat, and txting. When I entered into this week I said I was not going to go out because of the heat wave, then it turned into well I need to complete this project, I need to save and I can think about at least 4 other reasons I wanted to stay in doors or why I did not leave.

I woke up each day, took care of my hygiene, proceeded to make breakfast, sit on the couch and watch television.

While talking to a friend he asked was I depressed. A large part of me wanted to say no because saying yes meant I allowed my situation to defeat me. But I had to admit to myself I felt slightly depressed. Not really depressed because I honestly have lots to be grateful for(family, friends, a home and I can go on..) but just annoyed. Annoyed because there are certain things in my life I can't control right now.

Two months ago I dressed in a cap and gown to receive a degree that said I was a master. But by no means do I feel like a master. To be a master, means I feel like I should control something. I can't even control my own cat from tearing up my couch.

Its sad when you sit in a room and tears fall down your face and you can't explain why or a friend asks you are you having fun and you feel like you want to break down and cry.

But as the tear fall and I ask myself why do I even try, I remember who is the true Master. I remind myself that in defeat there is victory and with this cross, God has a crown.

I feel broken and defeated, But I am reminded that the storm will pass. These past four months have been emotionally hard for me. I have felt a roller coaster of emotions. Anger, defeat, happiness, embarrassment and I can go on. Having a level of uncertainty drives me insane. I mean this situation feels a lot different from some of the loses I have faced.

But after 25 years if there is one thing I have mastered it is...God is in Control....