Someone might say my feelings are a level of self hate, compressed feelings, self esteem issues and probably a lot more. Honestly I am unsure of what it is, I just know that they are my feelings. They are sentiments that I have that might have been cultivated because of different circumstances that have occurred in my life. In my vague view of my feelings I am clear that there are certain things that cause my blood to boil, my heart to beat fast, a level of anxiousness to arise and a want to escape and shut down to encamp around my mental.
Simple triggers. Ordinary things seen on the street, in movies, a book or a conversation. Simple triggers, things that can cause a retraction to the most destructive places in my past. If it be a night I fought with a significant other or me simply dealing with different life issues. Pain, hurt, tears, anger, deceit and so much more emotions arise. The major questions WHY? HOW? and WHAT?
Why do you let it control you?
How is that you haven't let go yet?
What can I do to let go and be different?
Why? Yea I want to know WHY. Why did I let it control me. Here is the simple answer, because it is my past and I don't want to repeat it. I want know that the actions that have happened and been negative or even positive those are actions I may or may not want to recreate. If I know something in my past will cause for me to have a bad taste in my mouth I won't want to do that again. Like taste aversion. Every time I see something, hear, smell or read something that is a reminder it is like a flashback on your favorite show. But unlike the the flashback in the show there is an attachment. I'm so attached that I am feeling a rope burn and scared the burn might be felt by my kids kids. I let it control me because it makes me, ME! Allows me to reach a level that keeps me in check.
How is that you haven't let Go? I Don't know!!! But part of me screams you just might know. I don't think I want to let go. With letting go comes a level of growth, maturity, acceptance and forgiveness that you have to accept. Letting go means for some you forget about the pain, forget about the lost and move on like nothing ever happened. Something I have done and did not like the end result. So I harbor, keep it bottled up with a tight lid, not letting anything in or out. Honestly I don't want to forget. I want to remember the all the issues that came along because I don't want to make the same mistake. But I know I am doing damage, because I want the maturity and growth that should come along with letting go.
So What do I need to do to let go and be different??? I guess the first step is forgiveness and forgiving me first. Understanding that whatever happened in the past and it is not my fault.
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