Put On Your Boxing Gloves

On Saturday my second mother came down from Philly to see me. We spent a day in NY and it was tons of fun. While shopping we talked about everything, but one key topic was romance and relationships and I had to admit to her I was scared. She asked why? I offered up a lame answer and we continued on with the day.

However, as I said goodbye to her and got on the train home I thought about the question. I actually have been thinking about the question for the past few days. I am a sucker for love. I think it is one of the great gifts. But the truth is after you have love you gotta work. My mother, aunts and uncles all are married and I have been able to see the good and bad first hand. I have had intimate conversations with them(esp. when I wanted to get married) about making it work. I have watch them all want to walk away however they keep it going. But the one thing I learned from them and my own personal situations is you have to want to fight for your love. My uncle told me in one conversation what makes God's love so awesome is that he keep fighting even when you stop.

That is the thing that scares me - The fight. I had a conversation with a friend and we discussed the fight. That ish is not easy. As I talked to that person I gave them the same advice and wisdom that has been given to me over the years. But as I gave the advice I was reminded of my past situations...when the ish got real and I had to take the gloves off and get dirty with the fight. I was reminded of the wounds and the pain. Its real. That is the part that scares me. The aftermath.

I have been in some fights that were simple and easy, while others were brutal. Honestly all I can think is "Love has burned me raw"(Hear My Call by. Jill Scott). There are parts of my heart that are still healing. I am not bitter anymore(I was at points) But the struggle to be open and vulnerable is hard. My heart screams for the ability to feel that feeling again but my brain has taste aversion.

After two situations of fighting where in one situation the person wasn't fighting or the other the person seemed to be fighting when my heart had went through a TKO and I had nothing left, I have lost the desire. But I can't deny my heart. I desire the romance and the relationship. As it was said to me you should wake up in the morning, look at him and say I am willing to fight to the death, but know because he loves you he won't make you.(The Sobering Thought).