Last night I had a a couple of friends over and while I we were talking about relationships one of my male friends said "wow I really am happy for you, you sound so happy." But his comment didn't hit me till after the Henny was gone, food was eaten and I was washing dishes.
For a long time I was not happy. I made choices and decisions that were based on lack of love for self. I accepted a lot of shit and sat quietly. I stood on the thought if you were happy then I was happy. My friends and family say for some of things I have gone through that "someone would have had to die." Its very true, for some of the pain I have gone through there should be an unmarked grave somewhere. But I question how much sanity it would have gave me.
This place called happiness has been a long journey for me. Still a lot of hurt and still a lot of unspoken truth. People wonder why sometimes I don't say such and such happened, honestly its because I am fighting for sanity. When I tell my story I tell it to friends because every time I have to admit the pain I went through, my heart breaks. It breaks because I can't believe I didn't love myself enough. Enough to say no, to walk away. People say damn Tenee why? Honestly I don't know why. I drank the kool aid and I couldn't find the a glass of water to flush the shit out my system is the only truth I can settle with.
The brain is a powerful tool and it can allow you to see and accept what you want. But, I am grateful for friends and family who never gave up on me, held me when I cried and loved me till my breaking point.
When I retell my story I drop a tear, not one of sadness but one of happiness. The old me is dead and the new me lives. I am sane, healthy and I have my life. For that I will be eternally happy.
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